Feta cheese

I love wearing skirts. They make me feel confident, professional and wicked-fierce. But my love for skirts goes hand in hand with my hatred for pantyhose. Every time I want sport my pencil skirt to work, my morning starts off with 20 minutes of heavy breathing, sweating, tucking and squishing - just trying to get a brand new pair of pantyhose on. I'm OK until I get past my knees. The second half is when the battle starts. I feel like I'm trying to fit a sausage into a skin made for a hot dog. And the fact that the top of my pantyhose (once I'm finally finished with the excruciating process of getting them on in the first place) ends about seven inches above my bellybutton and every time I sit, I feel it rolling back down - does not make them any more comfortable.

Well all of this is no more! I have discovered something that will change my life... at least so I thought at the time.

During one of my regular visits to Shopper's Drug Mart, I came across these fancy stay-up stockings, lined with a thin layer of transparent rubber at the top that are said to stay up on their own, therefore eliminating sausage-stuffing mornings from my routine. Well they lie.

On a warm Monday of last week - fairly warm - I wore this brand new pair of stockings, feeling great in my skirt. By great I mean confident, professional and wicked-fierce. I went for a walk at lunch because I needed to pick up a few things. After I was far enough from the office that I couldn't easily go back in a mad, desperate dash, I could feel the stockings slowly starting to slide down my legs. Now I bought the same size I always buy in pantyhose and they fit great until about 1 p.m. hit. Is it possible that I lost about 5 lbs between 7:30 a.m. and lunch? If only it were that easy...

As I keep walking, the stockings keep creeping down. My coat was fairly long, but not long enough. I would hop into stores and hide between the isles to secretly adjust my new find that was supposed to 'change my life.' My walk slowed down to a stroll in an attempt to avoid any sudden movements that can possibly speed up the cascading of the stockings. Suddenly my legs start feeling a bit colder... I'm walking to Metro now to pick up a low-fat, minimum calorie flavour-free salad. As I walk up to the entrance I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the glass door. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Sure enough, the stockings slid down as far as my boots would let them and the dark, lacy, rubber-covered tops were at full view to all on Bloor Street. I hid behind the store, yanked them up and unfazed, continued on my quest for rabbit food. After seven more attempts at inconspicuously adjusting myself in the cereal isle, I gave up. I hid in the parking lot, pulled down my stockings and tucked them into my boots, exposing the poor people of down town Toronto (not to mention my office buddies) to my feta-cheese white legs.

Nothing will change my admiration for skirts - and for stockings? Next time I'll remember to buy a smaller size...